For as long as I can remember, I have run on full tilt. My parents were officers in The Salvation Army-pastors, non-profit administrators, musicians, and church bus drivers, among many other things. We were with them for most of that, and I loved it! There was always something happening and our life was filled with learning about God, leadership, and serving other people on some of their lowest days.

It was busy and beautiful. What I didn’t realize is how much my identity was becoming wrapped in what I did, what I could accomplish, the people I could help, and the lists I could check off on the journey. I think you could say I was addicted to motion, to activity, to “doing the most good” 24/7 with all my heart soul, and body.

Perhaps that is why most of my life I have battled anxiety in one form/level or another-overcommitted, resting only as reward, relying too much on me, perfectionism. It’s a recipe for mental, physical, and spiritual disaster.

Whenever I have tried to do “more of my share” of the ministry work or add what I think should be on my to-do list, something physical happens to help me stop and re-evaluate. I have been on bed rest one year and sprained an ankle another-just before our busiest seasons. I got Covid on the biggest day of the year. After a few years of that, I thought I got the hint. Slow down. You are built to need rest. Perhaps the most painful lesson-you are not as important as you think.

Fast forward. My child now suffers from a chronic illness that is unpredictable and requires a lot of physical attention some days and a lot of meal prep and energy to enforce it every day. What I am realizing more recently is the emotional toll every doctor’s appointment, flare up and medical test takes on all of us.

I’m tired. I can’t predict the flares. Routine is something we chase, but never seem to master until just before we have to change it all again. I’m learning to live in rhythms of grace rather than scheduled routines. I am learning that I was not as good at letting go and delegating as I thought and so I’m learning to trust the people who are on our team teams, and to just be where I need to be in each moment.

If I think about it, I suppose that is what Jesus did. I’m sure that his disciples would have laughed. If someone asked what their schedule was for ministry. They had rhythm to their day, maybe, and they were right where they were meant to be for each moment with the Savior.

I recently finished writing a song, “I’m Not Enough.” I hope I can share it with you soon. You’re not enough either, but we were never meant to be. That’s why Jesus came.

“Listen, those of you who are boasting, “Today or tomorrow we’ll go to another city and spend some time and go into business and make heaps of profit!” But you don’t have a clue what tomorrow may bring. For your fleeting life is but a warm breath of air that is visible in the cold only for a moment and then vanishes! Instead you should say, “Our tomorrows are in the Lord’s hands and if he is willing we will live life to its fullest and do this or that.” But here you are, boasting in your ignorance, for to be presumptuous about what you’ll do tomorrow is evil! So if you know of an opportunity to do the right thing today, yet you refrain from doing it, you’re guilty of sin.”
‭‭James (Jacob)‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬-‭17‬ ‭TPT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1849/jas.4.13-17.TPT

So, if the Lord wills it, I’m preaching a sermon about this today. If the Lord wills it, I’m heading to a conference with the whole family and a dear sister in Christ tomorrow.

Prayer- God, you alone are sovereign. Forgive me when I plan without you or get upset when you rearrange the plans for family or ministry or other work. Here’s my checklist. Burn it. God, help me to hear you clearly, to be brave enough to do what you ask, and to trust you enough to rest, to pivot, to allow your peace to rule, even when it feels like chaos. You are enough. Amen.